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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22454986">Fuck It All</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinusHuman/pseuds/MinusHuman'>MinusHuman</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Metallica</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Blood and Violence, Gen, M/M, My First Fanfic, not really - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:42:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,239</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22454986</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinusHuman/pseuds/MinusHuman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the summer of 1991, James ran from his bandmates for a reason Lars has yet to figure out. Since then, they've been travelling Nevada trying to find him again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James Hetfield/Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett/Jason Newsted</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Ghost Town</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is my first AO3 fic pls dont go off on me lmaooooo</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"How long has James been missing for?" Kirk mumbled, staring out the window as Lars drove and Jason slept on his shoulder. </p>
<p>"A year, in a week," he responded quietly. Kirk glanced at him with somber and worried eyes, then returned his vacant gaze to the dark night.</p>
<p>Lars watched Kirk slide down in his seat, Jason readjust, and Kirk rest his head on Jason's shoulder. Before he knew it, both were asleep again. He sighed and turned on the radio to drown out the droning sound of the car's engine.</p>
<p><i>'James has been missing for nearly a year. Wow,'</i> he thought, <i>'Why didn't he tell us? Who just up and leaves their family like that?'</i> The more he thought about it, the more bitter he became. Within minutes, his eyes drained more tears than he could well up. He put his hand over his mouth to keep his lip from trembling and his nose from running as he cried.</p>
<p><i>'How is it only 8:30?'</i> he wondered. He could have sworn it was later. It certainly felt later. The air was cold and the night was dark, save for the hue of purpleish-orange that hung over the skyline of Las Vegas on the horizon. He never noticed truly how isolated he felt from the world until the search for James started a few weeks after his disappearance.</p>
<p>He felt like he had driven for months at that point. In fact, he had. That, mixed with sleepless and nightmare-fueled nights came to be a recipe for disaster. </p>
<p>Lars looked desperately for anywhere to pull over. A shady truck stop, a ghost town, maybe even an outcrop for military personnel to post up in. He was in dire need for sleep, even if it meant getting into deep shit with the feds.</p>
<p>The Nevada desert was an ugly, unforgiving wasteland. He felt no relief from his fatigue until early in the morning, around 3:00 AM, when he almost drove the car off the road.</p>
<p>He put the car in park and rubbed his eyes hard and let out a deep, long groan. This woke Jason up momentarily. "What's wrong?" He grumbled. He got no answer, so he took the keys out of the ignition and slipped them into his coat pocket. </p>
<p>"Hey, what are you doing?" Lars reached around Jason to try to get the keys from his pocket, but Jason kept the pocket clamped shut with his hand as he fell asleep again shortly after.</p>
<p>Lars sighed and rested his head onto Jason's side and joined the other two in sleep, not before thinking deeply of where James was, or if he was even still alive.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>
    <i>"Hey, where are you? We've been cruisin' all over town lookin' for you for a few hours and now Jason and Kirk are getting antsy."</i>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <i>"…James?"</i>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <i>"Don't call me."</i>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <i>"Wait…What do you mean?"</i>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <i>"Don't call me anymore. Don't try looking for me."</i>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <i>"No, James, what? Where are you?"</i>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <i>"Nowhere. Leave me alone."</i>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <i>"Please don't leave, James, you know I don't like being alone, where are you?"</i>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <i>"I'm not coming back and I'm not coming home. Stop calling for me. I don't care about you, or Kirk, or Jason, or anyone. Fuck off."</i>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <i>"No, James-"</i>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <i>"Shut the fuck up. Leave me alone."</i>
  </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lars shot up from his sleep, choking on the lump in his throat caused by his trickling tears. He reached up to his neck and squeezed gently, then took a deep breath and sighed out with a wavering breath.</p>
<p>He sat up and realized that he was now in the back seat of the car. Kirk was in the passenger seat, Jason was driving, and they quieted their conversation when they heard Lars gasp and move.</p>
<p>"Are you okay?" Jason asked with his head tilted towards the back seat. Kirk turned and peeked over the seat to see their friend. </p>
<p>Lars pressed on his forehead and squinted. A migraine began to override his left eye's vision. "I had another nightmare and now I've got a migraine. What time is it? How long have you guys been driving?"</p>
<p>Jason shrugged. "It's about 6:30 at night. We started driving around 6:30 this morning." Kirk propped his elbow and head up on the center console.</p>
<p>"Yeah, and we wanted to get somewhere since you actually fell asleep for more than two hours," he said with a smug grin. Jason gently hit Kirk in the chest and shook his head.</p>
<p>"Can we pull over somewhere? I don't feel good." Lars said quietly as he stared down at his feet.</p>
<p>The bumps in the road made him feel sicker the longer they went on for. By the time Jason had pulled off the pavement and onto the dirt road of a ghost town, Lars had to get out before he threw up in the car.</p>
<p>The other two followed suit and Kirk smiled. "Can we look around or something? It looks awesome here," he said as he scanned the abandoned buildings.</p>
<p>Jason held Lars' hair back as he vomited behind the car and sighed. "Dude, yeah, but now's not the time to be asking." He pointed to Lars and Kirk shrugged.</p>
<p>"I'll lay down while you guys do that," Lars uttered with grogginess, "I can't handle any walking right now."</p>
<p>Jason, before walking away with Kirk, tossed Lars the keys and waved him off. Lars half-waved back, and tossed himself into the backseat.</p>
<p>He inhaled deeply, but the inhale was released suddenly and intensely when someone slammed against the window above him. The door opened and a hand reached in and snatched the keys from Lars' hands.</p>
<p>He panicked and looked around confusedly for a few moments as the other person got into the driver's seat, started the car, and drove off abruptly with a drift.</p>
<p>Lars sat up and yelled to the front seat. "Jason, what the hell? Where's Kirk? J--" He stopped speaking suddenly when his functioning, non-migraine riddled eye adjusted to the dark.</p>
<p>"Shut up," he said.</p>
<p>Blond, scraggly and unbrushed waves came from the front seat instead of Jason's brown curls, and the voice that boomed was brash and distinctive.</p>
<p>His face went white. He looked out the back window and saw Jason and Kirk chasing after the car in the dust trail the car left in its wake. </p>
<p>"J-James?" He stammered.</p>
<p>"The one and only, baby," He responded as he pounded on the gas.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Break-Down</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>James steals Lars's car to get away while dreadfully deciding whether or not to tell the truth behind the cause of his disappearance.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i am rusty as a fuck when it comes to fanfic, i used to be able to write 3000 words and now i can barely write 800 without dying</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"James, holy fuck, what are you doing?!" He shouted as he leaned into the front seat to take the wheel. He was shoved hard into the back seat again by James's elbow. "What happened to you?!"</p>
<p>"All you need to know right now is that I'm back." He said gruffly. Lars pounded on the back of the seat, hysterically crying as Jason and Kirk disappeared in the distance.</p>
<p>"Don't just leave them behind, you shithead!" Lars screamed. He cried hard as James reached back and clutched his wrist tight.</p>
<p>Lars struggled against James's grip before giving up and sobbing with his head low. "Listen, they are bad people. They drove me away and I've been looking all over to get you back finally. I can go into more detail later but right now you have to trust me," James explained, "now how about you climb into the front seat and we get out of here?" </p>
<p>He rubbed his puffy green eyes free of blurriness, then his nose, and sat down in the passenger seat. He hugged himself tightly and shuddered as he stared out onto the road ahead. Tears streaked down his face again, but when James reached over to wipe them away Lars resisted with a shove to his arm.</p>
<p>"Get some sleep. You look like you need it," Lars murmured, reaching for the wheel. James gave him a glance, then pulled over to the side of the road when he deemed them far enough from Kirk and Jason, where they switched seats.</p>
<p>Lars slumped into the driver's seat as James slid over to the passenger. He held his head in his hands for a few short moments, breathing in and out slowly, before he put the car back into gear and drove back onto the pavement. James noticed him staring out the rear-view mirror as he did.</p>
<p>"Wake me up when you get closer to Carson City," James mumbled as he leaned his head against the window. Lars ignored him and kept his eyes focused on the road until his heavy, steady breathing took hold of the palpable silence.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>"He's not knocked out yet. Give him a few more pills."</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>"Why are you doing this to me?"</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>Blood began to pour from his nose as his eyes began to roll back into his head, despite his fighting.</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>"You're gonna be fine, buddy. Calm down."</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>"We should have put these into his beer instead of did this. He's hard to hold down cus he won't stop fuckin' thrashing."</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>"You're hurting my chest."</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>"Shut up."</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>James's eyes widened as he woke up and he sat up to adjust himself in his seat. Instead, he leaned forward and stared down at the glovebox, dissociated. He glanced over to Lars and focused closely on his dark and baggy eyes. "Where are we?" He asked.</p>
<p>"A little ways outside of Carson City," he mumbled in sleepiness, "I had to pull over cus I got tired." James put his hand on Lars' shoulder and told him to sit up. With droopy eyes, Lars' stare bore into James.</p>
<p>"Why did you take me from Kirk and Jason?" He asked with a quiet voice. James sputtered out, trying to find the words, but instead found nothing. </p>
<p>"How, and where, do I even begin, man," James sighed as he dropped his forehead onto his hand. "It was horrible." He said, face slowly dropping into a somber expression.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>"It's just a little fun, don't be such a bitch about it," a shrill voice cackled.</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>"It isn't fun to me," James slurred his speech and his eyes felt as if they were going to roll out of his head.</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>"Maybe not to you, but it is to us," another voice said brusquely.</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>"Please let me go," James whined. His face was pressed against the ground and that side of his face went numb.</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>"Not yet, we ain't done," the first voice said.</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>James was kicked heavily in his ribs and he curled up, groaning in pain. A dribble of blood began to sputter out of his mouth as the second man's boot was driven into his abdomen, followed by a boot to his nose, breaking it with a loud crack. Blood began to flow evenly from his nostrils now, staining his blond mustache a dark red.</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>He felt as if he were going to pass out that very moment. They rolled him onto his stomach and swiped his wallet from his pocket. "Alright," the first voice said sharply, "we got what we needed. Pick him up."</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>He was hoisted ungracefully onto the stronger person's shoulder, and watched the thinner person toss and catch his wallet without care.</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>Blood dripped from his nose and mouth onto the pavement as they walked through the alleys to get to the hospital that they eventually dropped him off at.</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>When they put James down, he struggled to stand steady and walk. His head began to spin and he collapsed right before reaching the doors to the emergency room.</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>James zoned back in from his day-terror with a tear streaming down his cheek, however he felt no emotion in his face. He was now sitting in the driver's seat, attempting to and failing to get the car running again. He looked up and out the windshield and saw Lars slam the hood shut, then kick and curse at the car.</p>
<p>They made brief eye-contact when the hood was closed, James unblinking and Lars with bitterness evident. He came around the side of the car and leaned in. "We have to walk, the fuckin' car died."</p>
<p>He stared at the dash one more time before opening the door and slamming it shut. "Of course we do. Will we even make it to Reno before the sun rises?" James asked irritably, but Lars only shrugged.</p>
<p>Rage began to build up and soon enough James began to pound on the car. He ripped the side-view mirror off, kicked the driver's door several times, and dropped to his knees with a shriek where he planted his face back into his hands.</p>
<p>Lars was taken aback by the sudden unprovoked outburst, but lifted the man off of his knees and onto his feet. "We'll just hitch-hike back to El Cerrito. It's okay, man," Lars said softly as he tugged on James' elbow, signalling to follow.</p>
<p>James's dead eyes stared at the ground consistently for the hours they walked, struggling on how to decide to tell Lars what happened the night before he left. <i>'Who will it benefit?'</i> He thought deeply. The anxious pit the decision was leaving in his stomach became too much to handle, and he had to stop walking so he could vomit.</p>
<p><i>'Maybe lars should know. It'll save him some pain later on,'</i> he decided as he finished and wiped his mouth on his coat's sleeve.</p>
<p>Steadily, the anxious pit grew deeper and deeper, yet never inducing a reaction like the first. He hoped he was making the right decision.</p>
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